In defence of Pastafarianism

Anyone living in Britain will have by now got you’re hands on your census form. It brings up the issue of how will you answer question 4-13, what’s your religion. Last time some 400,000 people claimed to be Jedi’s. This time I’d suggest professing ones deep seated belief in his Noodleness, the Great Flying Spaghetti monster (or FSM). Let me give you the pro’s of this religion, they’ll make Catholicism suddenly look like a whole load of boring work.

Pastafarian’s (those who’ve been touched by the FSM’s noodly appendage) believe in a 3 day weekend (as the FSM rested for 3 days after making the universe, althought that was largely cos he was hungover!)…is there anyone reading this whose still unconvinced. Furthermore the main religious holy day of Pastafarianism is September 19th (international talk like a Pirate day). Now if you think about it that’s the perfect time for a public holiday, just when those winter blues are starting to hit, if you’re Pastafarian you’ve the perfect excuse to bunk off work.

All different religions get various concessions for them, for example there’s an increasing availability of Halal food. Well, if you’re Pastafarian you can demand the provision of food appropriate to you’re religion, such as Spaghetti and meatballs…served by a guy in Pirate regalia of course! Who can argue with that! Also we can demand a lower rate of taxation on Pastafarian friendly foodstuffs, just like the Christians get a tax break on wine and bread. You’ll be pleased to know that the stable of Pastafarian drinking is Beer (heaven to Pastafarian consists of beer spouting volcanoes as far as the eye can see).

Actually the real benefit of Pastafarianism is the ability to get others to shut up about religion. I mean a load of Jehovah’s witnesses show up and you tell them that you’re Atheist or something and rather than fecking off, they go into overdrive “oh! oh! oh! so what you’re saying is that the whole universe just popped out of nowhere, just like that!…is that it ya! ya!”. On the other hand if you state a deep rooted believe in the FSM and begin preaching to them you’re creationist believes, chances are they’ll suddenly remember some prior pressing engagement and beat a speedy retreat. After all the only way for them to disprove you is by making a mockery of their own belief system (and Mormons believe in some pretty crazy shit anyway!). In fact put an FSM symbol on you’re door and you can be all but guaranteed never to be bothered by any such people ever again.

And those global warming deniers get it to. You see according to Pastafarianism the scientists have it all wrong, its not carbon dioxide causing global warming, but a lack of pirates on the high seas (pirates being divine beings according to Pastafarianism and thus the FSM is punishing us for their decline). Again mention this to any global warming denier and watch him shut the hell up as again the only way he can disprove you is by disproving his own case against climate change.

So enough with you’re Jedi knights, embrace the one, the only true path to Heaven (with endless beer volcanoes) and tick that box for Pastafarianism. I’d recommend the Church of the Invisible Pink Unicorn who lives at the bottom of my garden, but there’s not enough space in the census form to fill that one in. Religious discrimination me thinks, they should sue!


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