Meltdown at Zurich

Swiss officials have warned of a serious Meltdown unfolding at the core of world football, in the FIFA (sleaze cooled) reactor. This FIFA reactor consists of a core filled with highly enriched fuel elements, drawn from a variety of international sources (corrupt club managers, nepotistic politicians, dodgy businessmen, ex-ticket touts, etc.) which are then immersed in a large vat of cash. While much of this money is typically drawn from sources such as TV rights and sponsorship deals, a good deal still needs to come from corrupt sources. This is obviously a precarious situation in which to operate, made worse by the vulnerability of said core elements to exposure to “media” reactions.

The current meltdown was indeed triggered by exposure of several core elements in the FIFA reactor to media scrutiny. Worse still the form of media in question was a combination of the British tabloid media and the BBC. “that’s the worse case scenario really” A Swiss official said. “I mean if it was the German media, we’d have seen a few articles in Der Spiegel which everyone would have ignored, if it was the Russians it would have been a long series of exposes on RT which nobody would have believed”. As a consequence of this media exposure at least one of the core elements when rogue and this led to a chain reaction that has triggered the current crisis. With sponsorship money rapidly evaporating, its seems likely the core will soon be fully exposed, already the primary fuel element has very publicly melted down, nearly exploding at one point and the crisis is expected to get worse, unless action is taken quickly.

Swiss officials are at a loss as to what to do. Some have suggested cutting off the flow of money to the core, or even expelling a couple of the damaged fuel elements, but opinions differ as to whether this will be successful or not. A complete shutdown of the FIFA reactor is one opinion. However, FIFA is a hugely important thing for the Swiss to host “I mean they’re one of the few people in the country actually paying tax don’t you know!” Another problem is the inevitable legal situation “when fuel elements as old as the one in the core gets this exposed and hot under the collar, as a natural by-product it tends to attract lawyers who quickly surround it” an expert explained “of course, these tend to decay naturally as the money dries up, plus the fact that they cannot resist the temptation to go chase after ambulances, but in the interim approaching or attempting to operate on FIFA could be hazardous”

There are also worries that the current crisis in FIFA and the increased media activity it has generated could spread to a similar plant in Lausanne, the IOC reactor. “this would be very worrying” one Swiss official was quoted as saying “there are a lot of highly enriched and highly corrupt fuel elements in that reactor too, a couple of them even dating back to the end of WW2 when they were imported from Germany and they still require heavy shielding to protect them from media exposure”

Many local officials seem to be of the opinion that opting for a low enriched fuel cycle in future maybe the way forward. Such a system would use natural fuel elements drawn from football supporters around the world. The system would be smaller, cheaper and not need the corrupt over-enriched fuel elements currently used nor would it need a large vat of money to sustain it. In the meantime officials working at the FIFA plant plan to deploy spin doctors to try and control the level of media reactions.

Deploying spin doctors is a radical move that could backfire. As one expert pointed out “it can aggravate an already bad situation”. Take for example the situation in Britain recently where the Man U reactor suffered a minor but still serious meltdown scenario. A fuel element, known for legal reasons as CTB, wound up becoming lodged in a stray Gold-digger. Local officials took the radical step of using a “super injunction” to try to control media exposure, but this just aggravated the situation and caused a runaway chain reaction leading to the jammed fuel element’s complete media exposure, largely due to a failure to understand the Streisand effect. Fortunately, its believed the damage to Man U isn’t serious and its suspected that officials may opt to simply remove the fuel element and place him in spend storage, once the natural decay cycle of lawyers has allowed things to cool down. But obviously there is a risk of a similar process now affecting the FIFA reactor.

Again local officials in Britain think that a repeat of this crisis can be averted by gradually reducing the flow rate of money into the UK football plants. They can then opt for a low-enrichment fuel cycle. “this will have numerous benefits” one boffin pointed out “the current setup is not sustainable, Britain cannot naturally produce these expensive and highly enriched footballers, we’re forced to import them from abroad, principally Brazil and Portugal, that’s not sustainable”. He added “also there is the amount of corruption the current fuel cycle generates, and the waste! Manchester and Liverpool are practically ringed by these large fenced off Mc Mansions where we’ve been forced to store the spent fuel from previous generations of teams, we’ll have to fence off half the home counties when the time comes to dispose of our current crop, that’s not sustainable!”

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